Hire me to create art for you @Charmin I will deliver the goods
Retweeted by Matthew Inman
Truth, beauty, and unkempt chest hair.
he better do that chest-thumping, humming thing with DiCaprio nowSCIENCE FACT: if you weighed yourself on the moon, you’d still declare it to be a fucking liar and go eat some tasty cakes anyway.I’m rooting for gravity, cuz without it’d be all hurled into space like little piglets.shit I use Bing that’s why I haven’t won an Oscar yetWOW amazing voice from Jared Leto onstage right now #OscarsFUN MUSIC FACT: “The wind beneath my wings,” was originally written as a tribute to Luck Dragons who chase fat bullies into dumpstersSomewhere over the rainnnnbowwww … LEPRECHAUNS ARE WAITING WITH BIG ANGRY BONERSStill hoping for a surprise Oscar performance from Tilikum the friendly orca whale.jesus orca-shitting christ are we still doing the fail whale thing during a big tv night? HI TWITTER, IT'S 2006. I MISSED U, BABE.The award for best captain onboard a fucked up ship goes to Captain Phillips. Robert Redford takes the silver, Marissa Meyer, the bronze.FUN MOON FACT: If U2 were to perform on the moon, I’d still get up and go pee right now.FUN MOON FACT: If you were stand on the moon with your kids, you could totally leave them there and go get that dog you always wantedFUN MOON FACT: if you were to actually sing a song on the moon, no one could hear you because songs are illegal in outer space.BREAKING: Gravity wins best visual effects, Smaug once again snubbed, shits all over the Hubble Space TelescopeWHY ISN’T HE LEANING ON HER? http://t.co/KHN4E7DbqfBREAKING: Smaug snubbed for best makeup and costume, gets mad and shits out some dwarves.TO WEAR THAT HAT YOU MUST NARFLE THE GARTHOKIt’s cool they let him keep one of the suits from “The Mask”Congrats on your win, @Jesus_M_Christ!Best part of “Gravity:” At no point during the film did Sandra Bullock go below 50mph.BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence snubbed as Matthew McConaughey declared victor of the 86th annual Hunger Games.@reisaudio @lewiszhuo it looks so sunny and warm in that photoReminder: I'll be at Tesla Motors around 1pm in Seattle today for the "cars and coffee" event http://t.co/4vxiyVhUio
FACT: When a meteoroid strikes the earth, it becomes a "meteorite." When a hemorrhoid strikes the earth, it becomes “agonizing ass pain.”"Oh, you like the new death metal album by The GrizzlyDickMurderButts? Let me queue up some Coldplay next. I think you’ll dig it" -Pandora
I’ve run the numbers on this and I firmly believe new galaxies are formed when Bill Nye’s eyebrows collide w/ Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s mustache
Surgeon General's Warning http://t.co/U1mPpMwVTd
I wanna see a documentary about Morgan Freeman that's narrated by wild animals
"My Dog: The Paradox" hardcover books are currently $5.64 on Amazon http://t.co/M6jQ5Bqy20
UPDATE: I'm pulling Fappy Bird from the app store, despite it being the #1 most popular ejaculating bird game in the world right now.
"Fuck it. Let's read some Oatmeal comics instead." http://t.co/2wIcxksABjBREAKING: lactose intolerant grizzly bear found spraying shit all over the sidewalk.#Broncos http://t.co/vq5LN2Y4AMCan't believe they turned down Gwar for this hackSting looks different from how I rememberI'm amazed enough people follow @jcpenny for this to be a thing. It's like OH HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT WHAT MERVYNS TWEETED."When New Jersey is in ashes, you have my permission to touchdown" -MEBANETALE AS OLD AS TIME. BEAUTY AND THE ... http://t.co/LJWvwQAtQdSO MANY DROPPED BALLS. #bieber u mad?HAHA YES LET'S FUCK SOME COWS THEN DRIVE A CHEVY #advertisingPIGGERS ARE NUMBER ONE http://t.co/ZIPM7FcSFY#Seahawks VS #broncos, illustrated. http://t.co/o2W8GAq4m0TO VICTORY #SB48 http://t.co/U3UTG8wmBa
Bee in the house http://t.co/OkcLY6lmIy
Draw me a kitty cat http://t.co/pmqp2qgCFc
Genius ... or MEGA GENIUS? I say mega genius. http://t.co/RGPoCt6MoE
Homeless man VS your cat http://t.co/vPnrR2kOIlAlso, in preparation for the next polar vortex, please read this comic: http://t.co/TZh082ygzju guys the weather says there's another polar vortex headed our way next week and I'm super worried :( :( http://t.co/WzGhk7Ezb4Sometimes I feel like I spend half my time in Adobe Illustrator resizing bounding boxes on text instead of actually illustrating.
Log out, right now. http://t.co/Hw6f1vIyG8
@mistressmatisse Honestly, I wrote that god-awful, unfunny comic many years ago and I wish I never had. It's shitty frat boy humor.
@kristy dear god noMy firstborn son is gonna be so extreme that motherfucker is gonna come out of the womb with a GoPro on his head
My New Year's resolution is to keep making fun of unmotivated people who make New Year's resolutions.
How different age groups celebrate Christmas http://t.co/4EVcUINWzp
What it's like to have no internet http://t.co/qT5siSCdrn
@PantherAlyxx I'll have that ad pulled right away. And sorry you didn't enjoy the aquarium. It was our first event so things were hectic@PantherAlyxx That's an ad you clicked on, but It looks like the advertiser tried to match my style to trick people into clicking through.@PantherAlyxx What refined sugar thing are you referring to? Are you sure that was on my website?
Every time it snows in a big city http://t.co/YBIBzu4eNI