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Don't want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard.

1,005 Following   409,555 Followers   6,209 Tweets

Join Twitter 3/25/08

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@DrGMLaTulippe I just watched it and it really does hold up.The movie "Big" would never work now because every 30 year-old acts like that.
7/30
2014
I'm going to start a place at the airport called "COFFEE" that's just a quick-service line for plain coffee from a pot.
7/28
2014
Did you guys see the "Sam and Cat" finale? Crazy that the whole thing was just a dream iCarly had.@BigAlPeoplesPal Wardrobe, wish it was mine! It is SOOOO freaking hot.🌋@BigAlPeoplesPal OMG, you guys are amazing! Love this.@BigAlPeoplesPal You are the sweetest! Just trying to look half as good as you!
7/24
2014
@sofifii Thanks bae!@sofifii kk@MysteryBritExec Likewise. <3@cinebo2 Thank you! I really appreciate that.I'm glad Britney has a lingerie line, but I won't be satisfied until there's an officially licensed skin-suit.
7/23
2014
http://t.co/ic1aeDaKFu
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
7/22
2014
@EveryTweet_Ever Even wasted, you're faithful to L.A. Deli! <3#FF @katherinefugate and @NiaVardalos because they're pretty and they just #FF'd each other and I'm creating an #FF-hole. #FF #Hole@katherinefugate Thank you so much!I love .@louisvirtel. #LouisAppreciationDay #mpregBruno Mars sighed as Kiefer bit his shoulder. Who could have known that Santa Carla was full of vampires? Or that he could feel this way?I did a fun interview with @cindi_leive ... thanks @glamourmag! : http://t.co/dhnIIRZWS9
7/18
2014
Please enjoy my episode of "Professor Blastoff" starring Tig Notaro, @kyledunnigan & @huntsbergerjunk ! http://t.co/I6H9b15zFe
7/17
2014
@Erik_Haltson From your lips to God's ears!@billyeichner where can I pre-orderWeird Al's long game is inspiring.
7/16
2014
I want my own Hollywood game like Kim Kardashian, except you'd just go to Taco Bell and get phone calls saying the network passed.
7/15
2014
If you live in a very bad part of town, don't make things worse for your kid by naming her Sloopy.I just watched 'Life Itself', an absolutely beautiful, honest, touching and extraordinary celebration of life. http://t.co/wKFk5wr1J3
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@ChelseaVPeretti We still notz.@tobyherman27 Hey, thanks!Ugh, why is Bruno Mars always out of town when I'm ovulating?@JennyJohnsonHi5 I call every drug store Osco because I can't accept that I'm not 9 and this isn't Chicago.@DaveHolmes 1.) I just remembered that Linear existed. 2.) Jeff Stinco and Joey Fatone should start a burger joint called "FatStinc."@DaveHolmes Oh fuck yes, I've been thirsty for this.@SarahSoWitty @KiwiLovesYou I'm basically Bruce Hornsby.I think I'm going to start wearing White Diamonds.
7/14
2014
My heart goes out to all the young girls in high-waisted shorts, and I hope their labia will be safely reunited soon.
7/11
2014
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I hope you guys will continue to love and respect each other as you endeavor to co-parent as friends.@taradublinrocks YES. I mean, WTF is this woman on?!Oh hey guys, here's what a mom of 6 who's also a U.N. ambassador does in her spare time! NBD! http://t.co/e00sM7g9Ym #ihatemyself #FUCKEverything Britney Spears does is perfect, and she's still basically a virgin because she had c-sections, and she's perfect SHE'S PERFECT
7/10
2014
@scottEweinberg @MysteryExec all of them.I'm hosting an @hellogiggles @ucbtla Show Saturday @10pm. Stories by @ryanoconn @MarissaARoss @diablocody + more ❤️ http://t.co/gULCnAqIfm
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
7/8
2014
Just discovered that "William Hung" autofills before "William Hurt" on Google.
7/5
2014
@BoobsRadley Happy Birthday, my dear!
7/3
2014
"They Came Together" is the funniest movie I've seen in forever.
6/30
2014
Dan just rewound "Chinatown" so he could see a split-second of Faye Dunaway's nipple again.@HipStreeet I want to believe you wrote "Sate Fair" on purpose, because I always leave the Fair SATED. #friedcheese@torrrr_a It sounds delicious!@bobbyfinger Those nachos sound fucking awesome! I almost went "as a joke" last time I was in NY.I mean, I know I'm the Guy Fieri of screenwriters, but I love fried stuff doused in melted cheese. Guilty.Guy Fieri's food looks good to me? I'm from Illinois. Leave me alone.
6/27
2014
@pt_gray you thought I meant a DOG? What kind of fucked up person do you think I am?@HeatherMcDonald The heart wants what it wants.@Apey @seanoconnz Sisquote :(@pt_gray I'm thinking a vuvuzela might be more on-brand for Pitbull.@scottEweinberg I love that you're all "Max..." like a stern headmaster who won't suffer any more tomfoolery.@pt_gray OMFG, I love that you faved this. <3@sarahsowitty COME HOME."Bruno Mars and the Saxophone Full of Pitbull's Cum: An Erotic Male Pregnancy Fanfic."@GoIntoTheStory Trying this, thanks!
6/26
2014
@scottEweinberg @StoryofEverest Assets, tee hee! ;)I think I'm the only person who regrets NOT getting a Grateful Dead tattoo.
6/25
2014
I'm essentially just cosplaying as an adult.
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@dmaurio @Apey I don't understand why he rhymed "Nick Hawk" w/ "stunt cock" instead of "big cock," which would have been almost masterful..@michaelbsacks' amazing new book "Poking a Dead Frog" is out today. Interviews with top comedy writers! And me! http://t.co/XzgyF5iVBq@DrGMLaTulippe I'm sure they thought she'd say "It was a fun, flirty change!" or some fluff B.S. like that.This is the most honest/depressing answer I have ever heard a celeb give to a hair question: http://t.co/z3btzuNhHDIf you take your kids to Europe, how do you hide the fact that you're shrooming from them? Just trying to figure this mommy stuff out! :)
6/24
2014
@rezaaslan @lizmeriwether Hot pic! <3 No way can that babe write too!@Typo_Emcee I wish.Duggar Juggalette (DUGGALETTE) at 16:54. (Worth watching the whole thing, actually!) http://t.co/CYnn3sKNL8
6/23
2014
If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you, but he's also probably really attractive.
6/22
2014
Support Prostate Cancer Awareness! @BlueCure #WhiteHouseBlue #signforDAD RT and sign here --> http://t.co/bvRjHw0RKE http://t.co/VeKCy94lCW
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
6/21
2014
@Erik_Haltson The feeling is mutual! <3 @TeslagrlI always click on an Audrey Hepburn slideshow just in case there's one of her squatting in an alley gnawing the gristle off an old pork chop
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
6/20
2014
Really excited for TLC's new special, "The Duggars Take Molly."
6/19
2014
Celebs who talk about sincerity and positivity in interviews are the ones with huge rage issues.
6/18
2014
COHERENCE is a seriously excellent indie sci-fi flick. Really so cool. Trailer here http://t.co/j6VJN9Kk3q. June 20!Congratulations, @jennyandteets on your hysterically funny new book. OUT TODAY, people. 💓
6/17
2014
Does this mean future generations are going to be super confused by "The Wonder Years" and "That '70s Show'?@LucindaLunacy For real? You look way too young for that!I also thought "Grease" was shot in the '50s, FYI.Did anyone else watch "Happy Days" reruns as a kid and think they were watching a show from the '50s?RIP author Eric Hill. "Where's Spot?" is a sacred text in our house. Thanks for all the hide and seek, man.
6/13
2014
Is it me, or are the Duggars starting to look dangerously unwholesome and worldly?
6/10
2014
My son just screamed "I'm a witch with no pants!" Clearly, he takes after me.
6/8
2014
"Pink, it's like red but not quite." -Socrates
6/7
2014
Stealing this. RT @divazappa My dad would call those "2 ouncers". You're welcome.The best zits are like, "But wait, there's more!"
6/4
2014
The new show I created is on tonight; it's called "America's got talent@mollypriesmeyer OMG.@richardrushfield Coaster nerd here. I think they'll refurb it as wood/metal hybrid, w/same structure intact, so you may still get a chance@SarahThyre Yes! I sing "...WITH PISS!" every time.@SarahThyre Also, I apparently don't know my own husband's Twitter handle @dmaurio #handyman #discussion@SarahThyre @danmaurio is obsessed with this song; he'll put it on just to talk about how dumb it is.
6/3
2014
You can have the most amazing career ever, but I'm still gonna scroll straight down to "Personal Life."@jondaly Missed "Phuego" opportunity, tbh. :(Remember when Madonna would just, like, switch ethnicities all the time?
6/2
2014
Really interesting that Bob Seger wrote "Night Moves" about Ruth Buzzi.
5/31
2014
The preschool next to my house is blasting Adele deep cuts instead of the usual kids' tunes. Teacher must have gotten dumped.
5/29
2014
@SarahThyre I still can't believe we both got notarized by a legend.
5/23
2014
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